Microsoft’s first laptop knocks out the MacBook and the iPad with one punch

Yes, I know. I’m helping Matt Weinberger out by linking to his nonsense, but I think that proper blogging means showing the source.

It always occurs to me that, when someone says Microsoft makes a better product than Apple, they are either seriously delusional or need attention on their website. I think we can safely say both here and look, here I am helping this guy on the latter.

The Surface Book starts at a hefty $1,499. It rocks Microsoft Windows 10, a 13.5-inch touch-sensitive screen, a nice keyboard with solid clicky-clack action, a Surface Pen stylus, two USB ports, an SD card slot, and the best non-Apple mouse touchpad I’ve ever tried.

Anyone who thinks a laptop that “rocks Microsoft Windows 10″ is a good thing is retarded. Oh, wait! He is! I already blogged on this fool before.

It’s got a very Apple-y sense of design. Unlike Microsoft’s Surface and Surface Pro tablet/laptop hybrids, the Surface Book is a real, honest-to-goodness laptop that can, indeed, sit in your lap.

I suspect just picking up the device without using it would put to bed any chance of Microsoft designing an Apple-y design.

This sounds obvious, but even the latest Microsoft Surface Pro 4 tablet/laptop hybrid (pictured here) is a pain in the butt to comfortably sit on your lap, since the screen doesn’t stay up by itself.

What? Microsoft made something that’s not ergonomic? Surely you jest! 😛

But there are lots of nice laptops on the market. To see what makes this so special as to justify that $1,499 price tag, just push the keyboard’s dedicated “detach” button and…

For $1499, breaking the screen is a feature. Ok, I seriously can see the appeal of this, though I’d rather have separate products. The downside is a bloated OS that needs to be everything for every device. El Cap (OS X 10.11) requires 8.8GB of space. Windows 10 requires 16GB of space. Not exactly non-bloat.

OH DANG, IT SEPARATES. That’s crazy! The machine gives you a palpable “click” and a light on the keyboard turns green when it’s safe to lift the screen, and another click when you put it back on.

Joe Dirt letting us know about his hemi computer’s cool click and green light. Wow. Physical items that make sounds with friction and force. YOU GO, MICROSOFT!!!!!!11111

Boosh. On the left is a full-fledged, surprisingly lightweight Windows 10 tablet. On the right is the detached keyboard portion. But wait, there’s more!

Wow. We separated one into two. That’s called halves.

The keyboard itself hides some secrets. First, it holds its own, dedicated battery, meaning that you get a claimed 12 hours of battery life when the two are docked together.

Wow. Does it do anything on its own besides hold a battery? Because you gave this its own section.

Second, the Surface Book keyboard actually holds a second, dedicated graphics processing unit (GPU), meaning that its graphics game goes into overdrive when the two parts are docked.

Ok, that’s cool. About damn time you said something worthy here.

But you have to pay for that privilege: The cheapest model Surface Book with the dedicated graphics chip in the keyboard is $1,899. The highest-end model, with an Intel i7 processor, 1 terabyte of storage, and the dedicated graphics unit, clocks in at $3,199.

All of a sudden, the “Mac”Daddy of Surface costs a shit ton more than a Mac, with all the pitfalls of Windows and, no doubt, shitty quality.

The model I’ve been testing has an Intel i7 processor and the dedicated graphics unit. It’s a total dream, even with lots of browser tabs open.

What is with you nerds espousing “a million open tabs?” I have a lot of browser tabs open and even more SublimeText tabs open.

It can play a pretty fair number of recent PC game releases — just note that “Quantum Break,” known for its super-intense visuals, ran at a crawl on the Surface Book, even my high-end model. It’s definitely not a machine for the hardcore gamer.

In other words, my 2013 MacBook Pro can still beat the pants off your machine in the majority of situations. Got it. Oh, and unlike your box, I can click on strange links and go to weird websites without worry of automatic install of malware.

But it makes up for that with a lot of productivity-boosting superpowers. If you dock the screen in backwards over the keyboard, it becomes a slightly thicker tablet that you can position how you like.

Pure preference. Not exactly a superpower. I mean, you can scroll on Samsung phones by waving your finger in front of the camera, but that’s not a superpower, either.

I use it in this super-tablet mode to take notes with the included Surface Pen stylus during Skype calls. Having both batteries and the extra computing horsepower helps.

This may or may not be useful. I suspect, with the added multitasking support in iPads, this could be done there as well. I’m perfectly content typing my notes while on Skype, but I’ll give this one some credit also.

The included Surface Pen stylus is the same one that comes with the Surface Pro. It feels good in the hands and lets you use the back like an eraser.

I’ve never used a stylus, except for the really old Windows CE type devices, where one was necessary to actually click on really small icons. Don’t have an opinion either way that’s fair to Apple or Microsoft.

Using the stylus and my finger to get around Windows has become second nature. Meanwhile, Apple still doesn’t put touchscreens on its MacBooks, of any stripe. It’s a little disappointing.

Does anyone remember that asshole that would point to something on your laptop or big screen TV/monitor and, to point, he’d have to touch your screen, as if that was necessary for you to understand where he was pointing to? Remember that guy? Yeah… fuck that guy. STOP TOUCHING my displays. On my computer and TV, don’t fucking touch my screen. I even find myself attempting to wipe away smears and prints on my iPad and iPhone, despite the absurdity. There is nothing disappointing about you not touching my screen. DON’T TOUCH. Oh yeah, I’m talking to ME, too.

Plus, it magnetically clips right on to the side of the screen. It keeps it handy even when you’re in a detached tablet mode.

Magnets – Microsoft Innovation. Seriously, is it strong enough to hold that stylus there or did it fall off a few blocks back while we were walking? I don’t trust that.

ou may have noticed that funky hinge. It’s strong and flexible, no matter which arrangement of the screen you have going. It also makes for a little visible gap between the screen and keyboard. No clamshells here.

Ugly hinge. Useful, I suppose, but ugly.

It runs Windows 10, Microsoft’s latest and greatest operating system. That means that even if you’re using the Surface Book as a tablet, you have full and free access to the whole wide world of Windows software, past, present, and future.


That’s an advantage that even Apple’s giant-size iPad Pro can’t match, even at a comparable screen size.

Yes, Surface’s tablet advantage is that it, too, can run the Melissa Virus. 😛

Here’s a thing, though. Generally and on balance, I didn’t find myself using it in the standalone tablet mode very often at all. It’s nice to have for when I’m taking, say, a long article with me to the couch. But I barely use my existing Android tablet as it is, and Surface Book didn’t change my behavior.

So, here you are with an OS that is bloated for all possibilities and you don’t even use it or need it, but hey, hard drive space is cheap enough that bloatware works for you.

When the Surface Book came out, there were lots of reports of Windows unreliability. Truthfully, I had some of those same hiccups, and it took me three reboots to get through the initial setup. And sometimes, it doesn’t go to sleep when I close the screen like it should.

Windows? Unreliable? Another jest…

But to its credit, Microsoft keeps pushing new updates that make the Surface Book more and more reliable with each new patch. These days, it’s a joy. Stable, reliable, the whole nine yards.

Updates every 5 seconds. Rollbacks. Patches. Malware. Antivirus. Windows Defender. Rootkits. What’s not to love?

So to sum it up: Even if the detachable tablet is a bit of a gimmick, it’s a total blast of a machine. Smooth, reliable, easy on the eyes, and with a touchscreen, to boot. If you can stomach the price tag, I recommend the Surface Book without reservation.

I recommend the Surface Book, too. If you like:

  • A BRAND NEW start menu
  • WINDOWED windows
  • Windows defendor built-in, but third party antivirus STILL required
  • Blue screens
  • Registry corruptions
  • User profile corruptions
  • Strange driver problems that prevent USB mice from working
  • A shitty trackpad
  • Bloated OS
  • People touching your screen
  • Cleaning fingers off your screen regularly

…then what the fuck are you waiting for? Get rid of your reliable, well-built Mac right away? Microsoft – Where do you want to go today? Mediocrity? Right this way, sir!

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Meghann Foye – an idiot trying to make a name for herself. 

What happens when feminism takes an even more retarded turn?  You get someone like Meghann Foye. 

Let’s be clear here. Feminism, in theory, simply wants women to have the same equal rights and opportunities as men. Nothing wrong with that mentality, but it gets distorted. 

Many young girls believe that feminism doesn’t just mean equality, but getting back at the “patriarchy.” They believe it’s their turn to do what men have always done (which is funny because women have always done it anyway; they just didn’t brag about it). 

Still, being vocal about wanting your turn to do what your “oppressors have always done” isn’t a precedent set anywhere else. Blacks don’t lynch whites or burn crosses on white people’s lawns.  Jews didn’t build gas chambers to burn up a few Germans. Yet many women believe they should have “their turn.”

If that nonsense isn’t enough to show you the folly of most feminist, well, enter Meghann Foye. This woman, who we can surmise is a feminist, thinks she deserves the same rights as pregnant women. If you read what she said on many sites, she’s only advocating for *women* to have these rights (feminazi clue number 1). 

So, here’s my solution for Meghann Foye and the many idiots like her. You want maternity-type leave?  You at least should go to the hospital, have an unnecessary c-section, recover, and have people randomly come over and leave shit in a diaper for you. Because let’s face it, despite the amount of shit you talk, it still doesn’t measure up to the amount you’d be cleaning as a new mother. 

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When a no name blogger tries to make a name…

Where to begin with this atrocity of reporting… How about the photo at the top of the page? An article about MacBook Pros sports a pic of a MacBook Air. Fail #1.

Apple may announce new MacBooks during WWDC 2016. (Photo : YouTube/HandyAndy Tech Tips)

Apple won’t announce new MacBooks during WWDC because they just announced them a week ago. Yes, the name matters. MacBook. MacBook Air. MacBook Pro. THREE DIFFERENT TYPES. Fail #2.

As for the other rumored MacBook Pro feature upgrades, reports said that there will be at least two connectivity ports unlike the sole provision seen in the new 12-inch MacBook 2016. But it remains unclear if the refreshed Pro will feature USB Type-C or USB 3.0.

Pretty sure every MacBook Pro ever has had at least 2 connectivity ports, so this statement is pointless. It’s like suggesting a MacBook Pro will have a screen. How about reporting something of substance? Fail #3.

The same Macworld report also echoed the likelihood of a MacBook Pro with touchscreen display that is detachable at the same time – obviously a design approach that intends to challenge Microsoft’s Surface Book.

The MacBooks (of all types) are not getting a detachable screen, nor touch screen. Apple already thinks Microsoft’s approach is wrong and Surface’s poor sales seem to reflect it. And where is this MacWorld report you quote? Where’s the link? Fail #4.

Lots of weird speculation in this article mixed with “I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.”

When trying to make a name for yourself, not only put “Apple!!!!!1” in the headline, but know what the fuck you’re talking about or someone will take you to task!😛

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Kim Kardashian is a better business role model than Apple CEO Tim Cook

I’m just going to assume, and rightly so, that anyone who agrees with this statement is fucking retarded.

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Let’s pretend Microsoft is better than Apple

Ok, so the article is actually called “12 things Microsoft does better than Apple.”

Let’s see if Matt Weinberger says anything with merit or if he’s just trying to save his job by mentioning the word “Apple” and being a hit-whore.

  1. As you may guess from its name, Windows handles application windows better than Apple OS X. In Windows 10, just drag an open window to the top of the screen to full-screen it, or to the side to make it fill half the screen. It’s handy for multitasking.

    – Windows does not handle windows better than Mac. Mac has been doing it 10 years longer and 10 years better in almost every way. In fact, what little Matty here doesn’t realize is that Windows, especially in its early days, couldn’t do multiple windows for a single app. Instead, there needed to be one giant parent window, and that parent window could then have multiple children windows move around in it. Today, Windows FAKES multiple Windows per app by typically running multiple instances of the same app. Now, that little rant aside of Matt’s lack of Windows knowledge, he IS right about the split screen. Split screen is simply done better on Microsoft’s side. Drag and snap. When you’re done, drag and unsnap. OS X (as of El Capitan) can also do split screen but, unfortunately, Apple took a page from Microsoft’s usual playbook and it’s a bit wonkier to do than Microsoft’s (who seemingly stole from Apple’s usual playbook). Pressing and holding the green button on a window will let you do split-window mode.

  2. Unlike Apple’s Siri, Microsoft’s Cortana learns a noticeable amount from your preferences. Even better, Cortana is available from the Windows 10 task bar or on iPhone and Android. Siri is stuck on the iPhone and iPad, without Mac OS X integration.

    – This may or may not be true. I use Siri sparingly on my phone, so it’s not like I depend on it much. Maybe Cortana is better, but I haven’t found myself using it on Windows 10 yet, so it can’t be that amazing. Siri is coming to Mac, supposedly, but who gives a crap. Score for Microsoft for having it, but not sure it makes anything better.

  3. Apple’s OS X hasn’t changed much over the last several years. But from Windows 7 to 8 to 10, Microsoft has removed, re-added, and gussied up its Start menu. Now you can find files and apps faster and get key information without opening up the app.

    – So, you’re telling me, Windows users only acknowledge something is different or new or fancy if you change the outward appearance? Not surprising. One of Windows users’ main problems with Macs is that they cannot theme the OS to look like a clown car. So, it’s not surprising to me that Windows users don’t understand under-the-hood changes as real change and, if Microsoft doesn’t change to a new “Fisher Price” theme with each Windows iteration, the users are in pure disbelief. Another thing that Matt demonstrates here and something I’ve accused Windows users of is the following.

    • In Windows 8, the Metro/Modern apps were full screen. There were no windowed apps (I thought Windows handled windows better, Matt).
    • In Windows 8, the Start menu was removed and replaced with some Start screen with tiles. More crap.
    • In Windows 10, the claim to fame was: windowed-windows (you know, what windows are supposed to do) and the return of the Start menu. So, for Windows users, change means SEEING it. We don’t have to change anything under the hood. Make it disappear for an iteration. Bring it back. And the WOW starts because Windows users are fucking stupid.

    Oh, and the “key information you can get without opening up the app” pales in comparison to Quick Look, which still hands Microsoft its ass. Sorry, Matt. You show your need for a new book cover without ever reading the first page to see if the book has changed or improved.

  4. Windows has always been a better place for gaming than the Mac. With Windows 10, Microsoft doubled up on that with a new Xbox app that literally lets you stream games from the Xbox One console to your Windows 10 laptop, tablet, or PC.

    – Legitimate. Mac definitely has more games than it used to, but is still behind Windows in the amount of titles.

  5. Microsoft is better at cloud services than Apple. With apps like OneNote and OneDrive, you can have your files and notes anywhere at any time — not just on Apple devices.

    – Microsoft may have more apps across platforms that use the cloud, but that doesn’t make them better at cloud. It just means they have more apps that use the cloud, which is separate from Windows itself. In fact, many iCloud things can be accessed and edited on any platform by using the Well, to be precise, the (formerly known as) iWork suite (Pages, Numbers, Keynote) can be edited from anywhere. I’m sure Apple could make Pages for Windows and then it would “make OS X better than Windows” in Matt’s eyes because of an Apple app working on Windows. Logic lost here.

  6. Microsoft’s hardware business has been pretty great at rethinking what a computer is and who it’s for. The Microsoft Surface Book, a combination tablet and laptop, for example, has enough horsepower to play most marquee games.

    – I have yet to hear any actual users of the Surface praise it. Look! It’s a book. Now it’s a tablet. Now it’s a laptop. Now it’s a door stop. Oh, but it still needs anti-virus. Still corrupts itself. Still loads temporary profiles. Still has a really shitty track pad. If that’s Microsoft’s idea of high quality, then they’ve been high quality for decades.

  7. In fact, Apple more or less copied the Surface Pro 4 tablet with its own iPad Pro. But where the iPad Pro runs a version of Apple iOS, meaning you get only a limited selection of apps, the Surface Pro 4 is all Windows all the time.

    – It’s unlikely that the iPad Pro was an after-thought rushed to market to face the stiff (Hahahahaha! maybe with Viagra) competition from the Surface. The iPad Pro was meant to simply be bigger, faster, and responsive to a 3D touch Pencil. I’m not sure I agree with the iPad Pro, but I’d take that over a Windows anything device any day.

  8. And while Microsoft has all but lost the smartphone market to Apple and Google, don’t discount some of the stuff that Windows 10 Mobile has that the iPhone doesn’t. First, it has a slick look, with big easy-to-push buttons …

    – My grandmom’s old apartment phone had big, easy-to-push buttons also. Didn’t make the phone slick or better than anything on the market. Oh, and notice Matty’s default appreciation for anything Windows. Well, it LOOKS different. Remember, Windows users only acknowledge an OS has some sort of change if it’s visual. Take it away. Bring it back. Make buttons bigger. WOW!!!11 LOOOK HOw DIFFErent IT IS NOW!!11111

  9. .. plus some nifty, if still a gimmicky, features like Windows Continuum, which lets you use your Windows 10 Mobile phone as something like a full PC. With limited app support, but still.

    – Now you’re just reaching, Matty. Samsung Galaxy Phones let you wave your finger in front of the camera to scroll like you’re a Harry Potter wizard, but there’s nothing good about it. Little Matty is proving he likes spec-sheets. Wow. Let me know how that “full PC functionality on a phone” works out for you. Just because it CAN do it doesn’t mean it SHOULD or it any good. Scoring a point for this just makes you look like an idiot.

  10. The Microsoft of the last few years has also been better at experimentation. That includes coming out with lots of experimental apps for Android and iPhone, including the recent Hub Keyboard, which cuts down on the time you have to switch between apps.

    – Experimentation doesn’t equal better. No denying that Microsoft is better under this new CEO than the monkey known as Ballmer, but nothing it has released for Android or Apple makes it inherently better than Apple. This is pure opinion on your part, not fact.

  11. That experimentation also applies to advanced scientific research. Microsoft Research contributes findings to everything from speech recognition to artificial intelligence. Plus, it results in cool futuristic technologies like the HoloLens holographic goggles.

    – Just because Microsoft touts its experimentations publicly doesn’t make it better than Apple. After all, remember all the Glassholes that were excited about Google Glass? Where is that now? Just because experiments are public doesn’t mean it’s better. Again, more opinion on your part. No actual fact here that makes Microsoft better.

  12. In general, Microsoft has been good at playing with others recently. Under CEO Satya Nadella, Microsoft has made more of its apps available on more platforms, while simultaneously striking deals with one-time competitors like Red Hat.

    – Microsoft has always played well with others… until it pulled the rug out from those other players. Time will tell if they do that now. Microsoft making something for Red Hat doesn’t make it better than Apple. Again, this is just Matty Opinion, not fact or evidence.

In the end, Matt really only offers a lot of opinions and nonsense, either purposely leaving out info or simply doesn’t know enough to actually write this article in the first place.

Beating a dead horse because I can:

  • Windows still blue screens, despite Windows fans saying it no longer does.
  • Windows still gets drive-by web infections, despite claims of “built-in antivirus,” which is nothing more than Windows Defender included.
  • Windows still corrupts itself, causing temporary profiles as well as other registry anomalies.
  • Windows boxes still have the worst track pads on the market.
  • Windows boxes still come with shitty Pentium, Celeron, and Core i3 chips, which all perform like a snail but, hey, it’s $199.

Expect shit from Windows. Doesn’t matter if you mold that shit to look like a work of art. It will still stink up your house and draw flies.

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All sick Windows guys have AIDS.  

Since so many Windows guys love playing “IT advocate” and suggesting that Macs do have viruses, even if the number is small, I’ve decided to do an analogy and apply to My Windows buddies. 

For instance, most Windows guys scoff when you explain that, while Macs do have malware (Trojans), they don’t have viruses (auto-installs). They love to pretend there’s “really no difference anymore.”

So, since Windows guys love trying to make the Mac seem worse than it is by classifying malware as a virus and vice versa, every time a Windows guy says he’s sick, I can tell everyone that he means he has AIDS. 

“What?!” exclaims the Windows doofus?

Well, if malware can mean virus and virus can mean malware (you know, when applying your “vast knowledge of computers”), then that same logic can be applied to your health. 

AIDS means sick and sick means AIDS. Next time you tell me you’re “under the weather,” I will apply your computer logic and let everyone know the AIDS has got you good. 

In closing, all sick Windows guys have AIDS. 

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Don’t be Bruno

I know I beat this dead horse regularly, but I like beating dead horses, especially since dead horses keep talking shit.  Yup.  Dead horses apparently still keep talking. 😛


Our buddy Bruno here is warning you of the “fallacy” that there are no viruses for Mac. Of course, he’s one of those guys who doesn’t differentiate between virus and malware. He also suggests that a virus is the “tip of the iceberg,” suggesting he doesn’t understand the metaphor, as he starts listing less severe things beyond the tip of the iceberg (like “malware” and “spamware” – one being a generic term and one being a term he made up).

Let’s clear this up with health analogies.

Sickness or illness == malware – generic terms. Do you have the cold or meningitis or HIV or cancer? If I say I’m sick, do you tell everyone I have AIDS? No, then you cannot use the term virus (AIDS) when you simply mean malware (I feel shitty today).
To summarize:
“I have cancer.” – Not only can you say I have cancer, but you can say I’m sick.
“I am sick.” – You can say I’m sick, but cannot say I have cancer, because you cannot determine type of sickness from the word sick.
Now, stop being stupid.

You should have antivirus because one day Macs will have viruses!
First off, Windows clowns have been spewing this nonsense since Mac OS X 10.1, which was released in March 2001. Well, it’s now 2016 and a couple months from March. Still no VIRUSES so, Windows guys, stop sending in your clowns. Apparently, Windows guys are Barbara Streisand fans (or Judy Collins fans), because they keep sending in the clowns…😛

Using the health analogy, everybody from the time they are born should be blasting themselves with chemo. Despite wreaking havoc on your body’s resources, you know, “What if??!!!

The sad reality is, people are more likely to get cancer than Macs are to get viruses, and yet bombarding yourself with chemo before ever having cancer would make you an idiot.

In closing, don’t be Bruno, who not only doesn’t understand the difference between viruses and the generic term malware, also doesn’t understand which part of the iceberg is dangerous. Oh yeah, if he’s the captain of your boat, jump and swim. It’ll be safer!😛

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